Beyond "Good": Embracing Wholeness and Authenticity
We're often told to be "good." From childhood praises like, "You're such a good boy/girl," to societal expectations that reward "good" behavior, the idea of being a "good person" is deeply ingrained in our minds. But what if striving for constant goodness is actually hindering our personal growth and preventing us from living authentically?
This isn't an argument for embracing "badness." It's about recognizing the limitations of a black-and-white view of ourselves and acknowledging the full spectrum of human experience. As Carl Jung wisely stated, "I'd rather be whole than good." This powerful statement encourages us to explore the hidden aspects of ourselves, the parts we've been taught to suppress.
The "Good Person" Program: How It Starts
The "good boy/girl" program often begins innocently enough. Parents, wanting well-behaved children, reinforce positive behaviors with praise and discourage "bad" behaviors with disapproval. While this can be effective in the short term, it can also lead to the repression of negative emotions and impulses.
We all possess a wide range of emotions, from love and joy to anger and sadness. When we're told to be "good," we're often taught to suppress the emotions deemed "negative" or "unacceptable." This repression creates what Jungian psychology calls the "shadow"—a collection of unacknowledged emotions, qualities, and impulses that we carry with us into adulthood.
The Unconscious Mind and Self-Deception
Modern psychology highlights the significant role of the unconscious mind in shaping our behavior. Studies suggest that much of what we do is driven by unconscious motivations, meaning we're not always aware of why we act, think, or feel the way we do.
This is where the pursuit of "goodness" can become problematic. When we consciously strive to be good, we may become blind to the darker aspects of our personality. As a result, these unacknowledged aspects can manifest in unconscious behaviors that contradict our conscious intentions. The human mind possesses a remarkable capacity for self-deception, and those who cling to the idea of pure goodness are often capable of the most insidious evils.
Good Intentions, Poor Behavior
Consider the example of parents who believe they love their children unconditionally. Unbeknownst to them, they may also harbor repressed feelings of resentment or even hatred. This unconscious hatred can influence their behavior, leading them to spoil their children out of guilt or to subtly sabotage their children's development.
This is why the road to hell is paved with good intentions. When we identify as "good people," we consciously try to do good for ourselves and others. But our shadow side, containing everything unacknowledged, finds a way to express itself, whether we like it or not.
From Repression to Integration: The Path to Wholeness
Trying to be a good person at all times can be a recipe for depression and anxiety. When we repress parts of ourselves, those parts find ways to hijack our psyche. As the saying goes, "What we resist, grows stronger."
However, when we let go of the need to be "good," we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities. We can begin to acknowledge and integrate the different aspects of ourselves that we previously denied. This integration frees up creative energy and allows us to direct it toward our goals and dreams. It can also promote healing, as many illnesses are rooted in repressed emotions.
Moreover, embracing our own imperfections increases our capacity to accept others. As we become more aware of our own unconscious motivations, we develop a greater understanding of the behaviors of those around us.
The Good Person Litmus Test
Are you running the "good person" program? Ask yourself these questions:
Are you aware of the negative emotions that arise throughout the day?
Do you believe it's wrong to feel hatred towards the people you're supposed to love?
When you witness "poor behavior" in others, do you acknowledge those same impulses within yourself?
Are you aware of frequent feelings of envy and jealousy?
Do you see yourself as a good person without accepting the darker parts of your personality?
Dismantling the "Good Person" Program
Realize it's just a belief: "I'm a good person" is simply an idea, a program you've been given. Determine whether it serves you.
Let it go: If the idea no longer serves you, discard it. It's just an idea, nothing more.
Embrace wholeness: Consider a more inclusive concept, such as "I am a whole being. I accept myself, including the darker parts." Embrace the complexity of human nature. As Robert Johnson wrote, "Wholeness includes the darkness but combines it with the light elements into a totality more real and whole than any ideal."
Observe your emotions: Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions throughout the day, particularly in your interactions with others.
The Vital Transition: From "Good" to Whole
Self-deception is rampant because most of us lack the emotional awareness and honesty to recognize our "darker" thoughts and impulses.
Developing self-observation skills is crucial. It creates space between you and your unconscious impulses and feelings. Shadow work exercises can help you befriend your darker aspects.
Alan Watts beautifully captured the essence of this journey when he said, "The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance." Embracing the totality of who we are, both light and dark, allows us to move with the ever-changing currents of life with greater authenticity and freedom.
Imagine a world where everyone embraced their inner demons. How much tension would dissolve within families? What would happen to divorce rates? Would war still exist? As Jung wisely noted, "Such a war could only be avoided if a sufficient number of individuals could hold the opposites together within themselves."
